1.15.2010

lull

I bought 3 pregnancy tests yesterday, and used one.

There was only 1 pink line.*

(*For those of you who aren't so up-to-date on your pregnancy test reading skills, that means I'm not pregnant.)

I didn't cry. I didn't even really think I was pregnant before I took the test...

Or did I?

Ok, so maybe I did. And maybe I'm sad. And maybe, in some small-gigantic-kind-of-way, my heart is broken.

And maybe I just don't understand the way the world works.

And I'm ok with that, but it's just why do women all over the world get pregnant every day and cry because they are pregnant, and not because they aren't? Why do 115,000 abortions occur across the globe every day, and yet there are literally thousands of couples who would love to be parents?

I'm not writing to rant about abortion (although I think God hates it, and I think it is awful and one of mankind's biggest evils), but I'm just writing...

...just to write. Just because I need your prayers.

Mat and I have only been trying for a few months, and I know my body needs time to work itself back into a normal pattern after having been on birth control for over a year (which, oh, if I could only go back and not have ever started that dreadful stuff), but still...there's always that thought in my head that there someone growing inside of me.

And then I see that one pink line, and my heart breaks just a little...

...No, it breaks just in-two.

And I know once I see the face of _________ _________ Alexander, I will understand why God had Mat and I to wait on him or her. But right now, in this moment, I feel as if I am in a lull, and I feel as if I cannot wait any longer.

And it is not anger toward God-- I feel absolutely no anger or bitterness or lack of faith in my heart.

But, I am ready to be a mom. I am so ready...or at least I think I am, but I know God is a sovereign God, and He is having us to wait until His timing. After all, His timing is perfect, isn't it? But my prayer-- my plead-- is for a child.

So, when you think of us, pray for us. And pray that we would be patient and readily available to God's plan for our lives-- whatever that may be, whenever that may be.

And in the mean time, if you're a mom (or a dad or a grandparent or an aunt or uncle or sister or brother or cousin) hug the ones you love...

...and let them be the little-big reminders that God answers prayers.

3 comments:

  1. Ever since your first post about this whole thing a few months ago, I've had you and Mat on my prayer list. Continuous prayers for each of you as you walk this journey. Love you so much, Whit!

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  2. Whitney -

    Having waited for the Lord to answer the prayers of becoming a mother for over 3 YEARS (and still continuing!), I can TOTALLY relate to the "lull". The deep desire to mother. To nurture. To give your husband the gift of being a father. It never goes away, and it never becomes "easier". I hope that the Lord allows you and Mat to become pregnant in His perfect will, and then when it happens you will understand the wait. Prayers and love for your future family :)

    Hayley

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  3. I know that you do not know us, but Matthew and I both went to school with Mat and I just wanted to encourage you as a woman who is walking through the same struggle.

    We have been trying for over a year and are now doing fertility treatments (I gave myself the first shot in my belly today) and my heart breaks with every month that goes by with a BFN (big fat negative in fertility speak). I was diagnosed with PCOS this past June and it has been an uphill battle ever since. The Lord is good and will sustain you both through it. Everyone I have talked to who has gone through this, says that this is the biggest challenge you will face in your marriage. I pray knowing God is faithful and His timing is wonderful.

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